You know, it’s weird to live with someone and miss them while hating them and wanting to get to know them better. I always felt like we weren’t quite there yet – our friendship was getting closer but it wasn’t quite at the point yet that it needed to be. We were still…acquaintances. And now I’m pretty acutely aware that it’s over before it really began.
Which is depressing in a way because I’m not supposed to lose my best friend before they’re even really my best friend.
That sounds like I was trying to force the relationship. I wasn’t; you were just better than any other friend I’ve had – save one. And since I’m pretty sure he’s not going to last the summer and I’m going to lose him again, well…fuck you for fucking this up.
Sorry. Angry again. I’ve been pretty pissed off the past few days because of you. Oh well; I guess that’s life. I’d tell you why all your friends come to hate you but I still love you too much to want to do that. It’s fucked up, but I still want to protect that bubble of happiness that you wrap around yourself to keep the bad stuff out. I mean, I know it leaks through anyway and the shit hits the fan and there are a few bad months of crap, but you always wipe yourself off and wrap that bubble around yourself again. You know how to try to enjoy life even though it keeps throwing stones at you, and all I want to do is protect that bubble.
So I’m avoiding you now. You put emotional distance between us, and now I’m trying to put physical distance between us.
I likened myself to a volcano when talking to a friend earlier today. I don’t want to erupt on you. I want you to be happy. That’s what I’ll hold to – I’ll hold to making the people around me happy. I’ll make them all happy, and then I’ll back away and sever those ties so I can make myself happy again. That’s probably a good idea. I love you. Be happy.
the art of 7 